On being openly gay

Elise

I came out to my mother via a Facebook message on the morning of Valentine’s day 2011. I never planned to do a formal coming out since I have learned of true sexuality way back in high school junior year. But an incident called for it. A woman I was seeing at that time told me to pick her up at 11:30 in the evening. As it turned out, she just wanted to give me an early Valentine’s day present. Letting her go home back to Los Baños was not an option so I asked her to stay at our place for the night. When we came home, my mother was waiting for me. She was sitting on the couch and as soon as I sat down, she asked me the dreaded question, “Kayo ba?” (Are the two of you … ?) Technically, no. We weren’t official… yet. She got really mad and didn’t even let me talk. I just kept crying while my “friend” kept quiet. After the long sermon, my mother went back to her room and my girlfriend held me as I cried. “It’s time to tell her,” she said. I was reluctant, of course. The fear of rejection from my own family clouded my mind. I didn’t know what to say and how to say it. My stand to let this incident pass was just too weak compared to hers. She left at around 2am with tips on how to do it. And so I did.

I composed a 3-paragraph e-letter to my parents explaining my sexuality and telling them that they were not bad parents for raising a lesbian kid. I sent it to my mother and went straight to bed. I left early the following morning not wanting any talk about it. I was hoping the message would do it all. IT WAS VALENTINE’S DAY! I completely forgot about what happened and just enjoyed the February Fair with my girlfriend. But before I retired to bed, I checked out my messages. My mom replied. It was going well until this sentence came up, “It’s okay because it’s just a phase.” I had hoped for acceptance but until now, I’ve only received tolerance. They are two totally different things, needless to say.

It’s been more than a year now since I formally came out and, in that span of time, the whole family came to know as well. I didn’t have to say it. They didn’t have to ask me. I guess my mom told them. I knew she had to confide with someone or everyone. My paternal grandfather is one of those who tries to find humor in it. He often calls “Pare” (Dude) or tells my younger cousins to call me “Kuya” (big brother). We had a conversation once while we were doing some carpentry work and he ended up telling me to marry a guy because two girls couldn’t do hard housework like plumbing and technical stuff. My maternal grandmother, on the other hand, tells me she would be fine if I date a gay guy because I’m a lesbian. I don’t really get her point. My cousins are cool with it, I think, except the guys. I don’t think they like it when I say that I had prettier ex-girlfriends that the ones they have now. The most heart-breaking tolerance I received was from my dad. We were having a conversation about guys courting in our house instead of outside when I asked him, “Paano kung babae ang manliligaw?” (What if my suitor is a female?) “Basta kung may manliligaw kayong lalake, papuntahin nyo sa bahay. Wag na sa labas.” (Doesn’t matter; if you have male suitors, ask them to see you at home and not outside.) I didn’t talk to him for a while after that. To add to the difficulty, I think my sister hates lesbian butches and the parlorista-type of gay. She makes harsh remarks about them when she sees some on TV or in the streets even when I’m just beside her. While my family tries to be subtle, most of my friends are very vocal about their disagreement with my sexuality. I’d tell them about a girl I like and they would shoot me down. I’d tell them I’m courting someone, they’d give me condescending looks and just keep mum. They’re my non-Christian friends! And I won’t even discuss how my “Christian” friends reacted to this.

My family and friends are my world and I love them to death. I don’t hate them for whatever opinion they have and I’m not even forcing them to accept me. I know we’re living in liberated times now but we just can’t eradicate the tradition or dogma reigning over our society. What I have experienced and still experiencing is quite normal for any openly gay young adult. I’m still under my parents’ roof as we say it. We are a close-knit family and I happen to have very straight friends. Some were lucky enough to get full acceptance while some had it worse than what I have now. Sadly, there are still people who can’t come out even though it’s killing them inside.

Being openly gay did remove a certain amount of burden off my back. It’s like you know what’s going to hit you so you prepare yourself beforehand. I was lucky enough to find a support group that educated and equipped me for educating others about the LGBT community and its status (I still have a lot to learn, though). I know how to answer those who question my faith and my fate with regards to the afterlife. I know how to answer those who question my love when they see it as just a carnal feeling. I am learning how to handle homophobia towards me or towards other people. It’s good that you know what’s coming. What hurts is knowing who or where it comes from. As I have said, I have a lot to learn. I wish to learn more. I did not come out for nothing.

I think this is my lot. This is the star I must reach despite the adversities. UP Varrons Ltd aims for humane life for every man and I believe that includes the LGBT community.  Some members are fighting for the rights of women, some fight for the children and their right to live in a healthy and sustainable environment. This is my fight.

I have my heart set on marrying a woman someday and having kids with her. My family and friends may or may not attend that special day but having people who accept me for who I am as guests is just as fine. (I might discuss marriage equality in another essay because it’s going to be a long one.)